Emotions About Emotions
Miscarriage is an experience that not only brings a profound sense of loss but also a whirlwind of complex emotions. One of the most challenging aspects for me was dealing with emotions about my emotions. It seemed like an endless cycle: feeling sad, then guilty for feeling sad, and then angry at myself for feeling guilty. It was exhausting. I remember one evening sitting alone in my room, tears streaming down my face, feeling frustrated with myself for crying yet again. I thought I should be stronger, that I should have moved on by now, but in reality, I was judging my own grief harshly.
In the early days after my miscarriages, I was hit with a wave of anger that I didn't know how to process. I was angry at my body for not doing what it was supposed to do, angry at the universe for allowing this to happen, and angry at myself for feeling so angry. I would have moments where I would lash out at the smallest things, and then immediately feel guilty for reacting that way. It took me a while to realize that anger was a natural part of the grieving process and that it was okay to feel it.
Guilt was another emotion that haunted me. I felt guilty for things I couldn’t control: for not being able to carry the pregnancy to term, for feeling relieved when the physical pain was over, and even for the moments when I felt a glimmer of happiness amidst the grief. It felt like I was betraying my lost pregnancies by allowing myself to smile or laugh. Over time, I learned that feeling joy doesn’t erase the loss and that I shouldn’t punish myself for moments of happiness.
Sadness was a constant companion, but what surprised me was the guilt that accompanied it. I felt guilty for being sad when I had so many blessings in my life. I had a loving husband, supportive friends, and a career I was passionate about, yet the sadness over my miscarriages overshadowed everything else. It was as if I was judging myself for feeling sad, as if I didn’t have the right to grieve because others had it worse.
I also experienced a sense of shame about my emotions. I was ashamed that I couldn’t keep it together, that I was letting my emotions control me. I kept thinking that if I could just be stronger or more positive, I could push through the pain. But suppressing my emotions only made them more intense. It was a vicious cycle of feeling ashamed, suppressing the emotions, and then feeling even more overwhelmed.
Navigating these emotions felt like being on a rollercoaster that I couldn’t get off. Some days, I would wake up feeling okay, only to be blindsided by a wave of grief that left me reeling. Other days, I felt numb, as if all my emotions had been drained away. I learned that there was no right or wrong way to feel, that my emotions were valid, and that it was okay not to be okay.
One of the hardest emotions to process was envy. I felt envious of friends who announced their pregnancies or who seemed to breeze through motherhood without a hitch. This envy made me feel like a terrible person, adding another layer of guilt to my grief. Over time, I understood that envy was a natural response to my own pain and that acknowledging it was the first step towards healing.
Through my coaching sessions, I began to understand the importance of self-compassion. I learned that it was okay to feel a multitude of emotions and that each one was part of my healing journey. Being kind to myself was not easy, but it was necessary. I started to practice self-compassion by acknowledging my emotions without judgment and allowing myself to feel them fully.
Helping others became a lifeline for me. Being surrounded by other women who had experienced similar losses helped me realize that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. Sharing our stories created a bond that was both healing and empowering. It was through these connections that I learned to be gentle with myself and that my emotions were a testament to the depth of my love and loss.
I’ve come to understand that having emotions about my emotions was simply part of the complex tapestry of grief. It was a messy, tangled process, but through it, I learned to embrace my emotions as they were, without judgment or guilt. This acceptance didn’t erase the pain, but it allowed me to move forward with a greater sense of peace and understanding.
