Strength
How many times has someone asked you how you’re doing, and you’ve simply responded with, “I’m fine”? For many women, the answer is likely in the hundreds. What if instead, the question was, “How many times have you told someone you’re fine and really meant it”? In 2019, the CDC published the results of a study they performed which stated that 1 in 10 women had experienced symptoms of a major depressive episode over the span of a year. Since then, an overwhelming amount of us have experienced personal grief, stress, and loss…not to mention a global pandemic. Logically, that number has likely remained the same or increased in the last few years.
It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to be honest about it. So why is it that we sometimes pretend that everything is just fine, even when it's not? Sometimes it can be hard to express our emotions, especially when it comes to personal matters. We might feel like we're burdening others with our problems, or we might feel like nobody else can relate to what we're going through. Maybe we just can’t find the words to express our feelings, or we can’t find enough words. One reason that seems to resonate for all of us, however, is strength.
Even in today’s world, women are regarded as “the weaker sex”. If we have emotions we feel the need to express, we’re often told that we’re being dramatic, or hysterical, and that we need to calm down. In not so many words, the outside world is telling us that if we were strong enough, we’d be able to handle these emotions internally and never have to ask for help. We are vilified for speaking about our sadness, anger, frustration, and hopelessness because people find it hard to hold space for those uncomfortable feelings. Our feelings may be treated like a burden by those who claim to love us the most, and shrugged off as if they are nothing. Meanwhile, they can take over every inch of our brains and keep us awake at night because we haven’t been offered space to really feel them.
You push those feelings down.
You keep them in a nice, tidy little box labeled “Do Not Open”...
and you go about your business.
You go to work, go grocery shopping, visit friends and family, make dinner, walk the dog…
and everyone is content to know you’ve gotten back to normal.
Yet, you haven’t gotten back to normal, because a piece of you is trapped in that nice, tidy little box - a fundamental piece - and it has been screaming at you to let it out since you packed it away. What happens when you ignore physical pain? It gets worse, right? Discomfort is usually a direct result of a need not being met. If you fracture your ankle, but continue to walk on it regularly, it will cause you more and more pain. You need to take the pressure off of it and rest for a while in order for it to heal. Emotional pain is no different- it needs to be felt, processed, and addressed in order to heal. When we neglect our feelings, we are taking away the opportunity for our needs to be met, and forcing all of that sadness, anger, and grief to fester and escape into our daily lives when we least expect it. Suddenly, you find yourself crying at the grocery store because they didn’t have the brand of cookies you wanted, or screaming in your car because the guy in front of you didn’t use his signal, and you’re not sure where that emotional response came from, or how to make it stop.
We push our feelings aside to appear strong, but ultimately, that is what will weaken us. Real strength isn’t forcing ourselves not to feel- it is facing those feelings head on. Strength is allowing yourself to respond to those emotions, to really pay attention to your body’s reaction, and say “I see you. I hear you. What do we need?”. Strength is understanding that sadness, anger, and grief are too heavy for just one person to carry sometimes. Strength is trusting that we're not alone in our struggles, and that there are people out there who care and want to help us through the tough times.
Feelings will always find a way to express themselves, no matter how hard we try to distance ourselves from them. Avoidance will only make them bigger and harder to address. Processing our emotions with softness and vulnerability can turn them into allies, and foster continuous strength. It's important to remember that we don't have to go through difficult times alone. By reaching out to others and sharing our experiences, we can find comfort and support in unexpected places. And in the Miscarriage Warriors community, we are here to offer that support and lend a listening ear. So don't hesitate to reach out and connect with us.
