The Grief We Didn't Expect: Letting Go of What Could Have Been
I walked into the house, looked around and immediately started yelling at Joe. I was pissed! How come I couldn’t go to my office for just one hour without coming back to the house looking like a total shit show? How the hell was I supposed to get anything done with my own business if I couldn’t leave for just an hour or two? These are the things I yelled at my husband. He was at a total loss. He didn’t know where this was coming from.
We had been in Shelter in Place for a week and half and I hadn’t had a break down, yet. I hadn’t cried, I hadn’t been upset, I had just powered through. I instantly took on the new role of being the home-school teacher and the stay at home mom; a role that I had never wanted. I had JUST quit teaching because I knew I wanted something different in my life. I knew I wanted to help other women find themselves and know that there IS more to this life than just going through the motions.
I didn’t realize until a few days later why I had been so upset with my husband. I didn’t realize why I resented the fact that he was able to continue to work his job when I was suddenly putting my dreams on hold. When Shelter in Place started, I immediately thought, “Well, Joe makes the money right now, and with the market dropping, we need him to continue to make the money, so I’ll be the home-school teacher and I’ll embrace it with joy”. And that’s when I lost myself again.
Why, as women, do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put our dreams and our wants on the back burner in order to make everyone else feel good? Do the kids need someone to teach them while they are home? Yes. Does Joe need time to work his job so we continue to get a paycheck? Yes. But that doesn’t mean my dreams are put on hold. And that doesn’t mean that everything I’ve learned over the last two years about how to live my dreams needs to be thrown out the window. And the thing is, Joe never expected these things of me. I put these expectations on myself. Why? How? Because it isn’t lady like to continue to work on your own dreams while your kids are home and needing you. It’s considered selfish to not want to be the home school teacher.
When the Shelter in Place first started, I joined a couple of Facebook support groups for moms teaching from home. When I look at all the new “quarantine support groups” I am in, I look around and all I see are moms. All the moms that are asking how to home school. All the moms that are feeling the pressure to suddenly work from home, clean the home and teach their child. Please don’t get me wrong, there are some amazing women on these sites with serious skills on how to teach from home. And I’m sure there are dads out there that are feeling the pressure, but the only ones I see on social media are the moms. On top of that, I see moms judging each other. AGAIN!!! I see moms telling each other how they “should” be feeling or how they “should” be teaching from home. Some of these comments are well-intentioned, but some of them are very judgemental. If there’s one thing I hope we learn from this Shelter in Place situation, is to stop the judging.
For the first week of quarantine, I embraced it all. I used all my tools and motivation to stay happy and full of joy. By the second week, I was hit and miss. What do I mean by that? One day I felt great and then the next day I felt exhausted and just wanted to lay in bed and watch Hallmark Christmas movies. I was grieving, but I didn’t know it. I was grieving the loss of my dream and the routines that I had established. I was grieving the fact that everything around us was changing and it was hard. And I couldn’t talk about it because that isn’t lady like. We aren’t supposed to grieve. We are supposed to be strong and not actually admit that we don’t always have our shit together.
What if, during these hard times, especially in these hard times, being the “good mom” and the “good wife” actually means living INTO your dreams. What if it means stepping up and being your true self? What if that looked different for every mom and wife? What if that means some of us are truly amazing at home schooling our kids? Or that some of us are rock stars at making the schedules and art projects for our children? But what if it also meant that some of us aren’t rockstars in that arena but are amazing at being entrepreneurs, or running a business? Or bringing people together in hard times?
As we navigate the complexities of our roles during challenging times, it's essential to recognize and honor our individual paths. Grieving isn't just about mourning the loss; it's about acknowledging the shifts in our lives and the impact they have on our dreams and identities. By stepping into our true selves, we can redefine what it means to be a "good mom" or a "good wife." It's not about fitting into preconceived boxes but about embracing our unique strengths and desires. Whether you're a homeschooling hero, an entrepreneurial powerhouse, or simply someone finding their way through uncertainty, your journey is valid. Let us support one another with empathy and understanding, recognizing that each of us is doing our best in our own way. In doing so, we can create a community where judgment is replaced by encouragement, and where every woman feels empowered to live her dreams, even amidst the chaos.
